Accidentally amusing photos I found while flicking through advertisements for honeymoon destinations

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More unintentionally amusing photographs I discovered while continuing to browse wedding photographers’ portfolios

Unintentionally amusing photos I came across while browsing wedding photographers’ portfolios

Chicago Signspotting – Spring Edition

Mexico Signspotting – Part 2 (with bonus Chicago liftout)

Mexico Signspotting – Part 1

   

Chicago Signspotting Part 4 (now with extra Boston!)

Corporate email opening lines: A field guide

  1. “I hope this email finds you well”:The last time we spoke, you looked a little pale. OK, let’s be honest – yours was a deathly pallour, the kind that belongs to someone who’s either just seen or is about to become a ghost. And that growth on your neck! I mean, I’ve read about goitres in medical textbooks and short stories and the like, but I never imagined they’d be so…well…expansive. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you should probably be splitting your time 50-50 between your family and your estate planning attorney.

    "I hope this email finds you well."

  2. “My name is Joseph Smith, and…”: We’ve never met before, but I’m still going to ask you to spend the next four days slaving over a hot Lenovo to advance my interests. This is the written equivalent of shaking a stranger’s hand, then giving them a shovel and asking them to dig their own grave. Sure, it’s an imposition – but at least they can put a name to the face(less).
     
  3. “Thanks for your email”: I hate you. I have utter contempt for the quality of your professional contributions, your tie collection is objectionable, and I couldn’t care less whether this email finds you well, unwell or stuck down a well. However, you did send me an email –  and for that, you have my eternal gratitude.
     
  4. “Please find attached…”: “…something that an imbecile such as yourself would never have found, had I not explicitly pointed it out for you just then. See, there it is – look up, no not that far up, below the top of your monitor but above the words I just wrote. No, to the left of – ah! There it is!”
     
  5. “Hope everyone had a great weekend!”: Today is Monday.
     

    "Hope everyone had a great weekend!"

Corporate email sign-offs: A field guide

  1. “Cheers”:Trust me – I’m a lot of fun. If I was a mushroom, I’d be a fun-guy – ha! Get it, it’s a pun? My dentist told it to me while I was having elective root canal. Yep, that’s just me: formal,  but fun – like Richard Branson, or Richard Gere, or Richard Dawkins, or a German person wearing a party hat. In fact, if I wasn’t at my desk right now kicking figurative ass and taking metaphorical names, I’d be brewing my own beer in Barbados while gargling chocolate-coated penguin roe from a hollowed-out monkey skull. Yeah, I’m fun. See you over by the water cooler!

    Cheers.

  2. “Regards”:  I couldn’t care less whether you live to 100 or die today. If it was your birthday, I’d give you mismatching socks that didn’t fit and then take them back and douse you with gravy. I hope you inhale your bluetooth headset.
         
  3. “Kind Regards”: If you were to die today, I would hope it was of something quick and painless – such is my respect for you and your contribution to this organization.
     
  4. “Best Regards”: If I disliked you any less, I would actually like you.
     
  5. “Thanks”: You did something good for me – eg, gave me a new necktie, lent me your stapler, took the credit for a particularly noxious fart I produced.
     
  6. “Many Thanks: You did something wonderful for me worthy of Elizabethan ingratiation – eg, gave me a $250,000 raise, lent me your spouse, took credit for a particularly heinous crime I committed.
     
  7. “Sincerely”: Most of my emails are pure lies. But this one? This one’s for realsies.
     
  8. “Thanks in advance”: If you don’t do whatever it is I told you to do in the foregoing email, I will come to your home or place of business and bludgeon you vigorously with a pineapple.
     

    Thanks in advance...

  9. “Love”: Might be time to have that chat with HR about moving to a different office.