Accidentally amusing photos I found while flicking through advertisements for honeymoon destinations

“Look, up there, in the sky – it’s two whiny kids, an old dog and menopause!”

“Aargh, my inguinal hernia!”

“Wait! Come back! I didn’t mean to call your father a foul-smelling ocelot!”

David gripped the hand of his child bride and looked out at the ominous sky. Somewhere beyond the horizon, he could feel the rapture approaching.

“Hello, I am Grincho, your legless waiter. Please give me tips for buy new legs.”

“I don’t care how much you made from the Lizzy McGuire movies – I’m farting in this hottub.”

Her: “I love you Keanu Reeves lookalike.” Him: “I love you too, lady who wears straw hats despite not being in her mid-50s.”

As they strolled along the idyllic sands of Honeymoon Bay, Michael wondered how he was going to get back to their inner-city hotel without any shoes.

It’s like I died, went back to the 80s, married a washed-up pornstar with a penchant for Laura Ashley two-pieces, bought a heart-shaped jacuzzi and then died again.

More unintentionally amusing photographs I discovered while continuing to browse wedding photographers’ portfolios

Her: “I didn’t mean it when I said you looked like an overfed narwhal in your wedding suit.” Him (sobbing): “I just need some space!”

“So on Sunday, I photograph your wedding. On Monday, I photograph your honeymoon. And on Tuesday, I kill you while you sleep. The full package costs $2400.”

Isn’t it adorable when little people find love?

“Just blur him out, I’m thinking of getting a new one anyway.”

Him (laughing maniacally): “And so I says to him, ‘My jacket is several sizes too small!'” Her (also laughing maniacally): “That’s the sense of humor I fell in love with, darling!”

“She’s lost control of the dress – run for your lives!”

“Ta-da! I give you the world’s oldest wedding photographer.”

This couple is standing next to each other. Photo not to scale.

“Waiter, I’ll have another douchebag please.”

“Um, why are you showing me that picture of your uncle desexing a horse?”

Nothing says “eternal wedded bliss” like sitting on a dead tree stump surrounded by fallen leaves while your husband melds with the background.

Unintentionally amusing photos I came across while browsing wedding photographers’ portfolios

“Hello. I am about to vigorously vomit all over your pants leg.”

Possibly the world’s first Lake Placid-themed wedding shoot. Possibly.

“Stop watching me while I pee – it’s really off-putting.”

Finally – a nice one of both of us.

Surely every woman has dreamt of being ravaged by a swamp monster on her wedding day.

“Hang on a sec babes, I’m just texting me other wife to tell her I’ll be late.”

“Holy shit, they’re at the window – go! go! go!”

“I want the photos to reflect my love for John, and my passion for indoor plumbing.”

“God I hope she sleeps through that fart.”

Chicago Signspotting – Spring Edition

I think I just honey-bucketed a little in my mouth.

Surely a pretty serious conflict of interest for the big guy…

So an Experienced Massachusetts Casino Developer capable of generating $900 billion in annual revenue from what may be the world’s largest building is $20,000 short on their application fee? Sign me up!

Granted, Lara Bingle was too much, but it feels like Tourism Australia could be putting a bit more effort into their Midwest campaign…

Classic feline faux pas if the cat turns out to be male. Also, who would own up to the bumbling stupidity of misplacing a heavily pregnant cat?

“Watch your step! Don’t park your car! No change for you!” Thanks for the lecture Florist Grump.

The optimal way to fight childhood obesity one child at a time is to fight obese children one at a time. That aside, I like the idea of replacing fruit or vegetables – sounds healthy, not to mention grammatically improbable.

Is that a promise or a threat?

Mexico Signspotting – Part 2 (with bonus Chicago liftout)

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s turn to Lot #364,598 – yet another toy frog wearing a sombrero that says “Tequila!” Do I have 2 pesos?

What could be more relaxing than having your feet gnawed at by 500 bug-eyed guppies?

Fast-Acting Mass Relax: Makes everyone within a 2km radius loose and floppy within 30 minutes.

Finally, I can stock up on photo items and cream turtle in the same place.

Innocent spelling error, or revolting local delicacy? Guess there’s only one way to find out…

I know that’s supposed to be adorable, but it’s actually terrifying.

So, how exactly am I supposed to adjust my driving for this? Turn left with care and don’t mention the war?

Mexico Signspotting – Part 1

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Chicago Signspotting Part 4 (now with extra Boston!)

Sadly, if you are interested in this offer, you (a) do not qualify for health insurance, (b) do not own a telephone and (c) cannot read the sign.

Ah, the mighty City Cat Doctor – who spayed and neutered every cat, dog and fuzzy-looking infant in Chicago from 1854-1857.

Five wrongs slathered in maple syrup do not make a right. They make a huge, syrupy wrong.

“Siri, where can I find the greasiest buffalo wings in the Greater Chicagoland Area?”

Coming soon? Might not be soon enough for your target customers…

Easy in, easy out – it’s Pu Pu!

Corporate email opening lines: A field guide

1. “I hope this email finds you well”:The last time we spoke, you looked a little pale. OK, let’s be honest – yours was a deathly pallour, the kind that belongs to someone who’s either just seen or is about to become a ghost. And that growth on your neck! I mean, I’ve read about goitres in medical textbooks and short stories and the like, but I never imagined they’d be so…well…expansive. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you should probably be splitting your time 50-50 between your family and your estate planning attorney.
   

   "I hope this email finds you well."

2. “My name is Joseph Smith, and…”: We’ve never met before, but I’m still going to ask you to spend the next four days slaving over a hot Lenovo to advance my interests. This is the written equivalent of shaking a stranger’s hand, then giving them a shovel and asking them to dig their own grave. Sure, it’s an imposition – but at least they can put a name to the face(less).
    
3. “Thanks for your email”: I hate you. I have utter contempt for the quality of your professional contributions, your tie collection is objectionable, and I couldn’t care less whether this email finds you well, unwell or stuck down a well. However, you did send me an email –  and for that, you have my eternal gratitude.
    
4. “Please find attached…”: “…something that an imbecile such as yourself would never have found, had I not explicitly pointed it out for you just then. See, there it is – look up, no not that far up, below the top of your monitor but above the words I just wrote. No, to the left of – ah! There it is!”
    
5. “Hope everyone had a great weekend!”: Today is Monday.
    
   

   "Hope everyone had a great weekend!"

The creme de la crap of the Skymall in-flight shopping catalogue

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Corporate email sign-offs: A field guide

1. “Cheers”:Trust me – I’m a lot of fun. If I was a mushroom, I’d be a fun-guy – ha! Get it, it’s a pun? My dentist told it to me while I was having elective root canal. Yep, that’s just me: formal,  but fun – like Richard Branson, or Richard Gere, or Richard Dawkins, or a German person wearing a party hat. In fact, if I wasn’t at my desk right now kicking figurative ass and taking metaphorical names, I’d be brewing my own beer in Barbados while gargling chocolate-coated penguin roe from a hollowed-out monkey skull. Yeah, I’m fun. See you over by the water cooler!
   

   Cheers.

2. “Regards”:  I couldn’t care less whether you live to 100 or die today. If it was your birthday, I’d give you mismatching socks that didn’t fit and then take them back and douse you with gravy. I hope you inhale your bluetooth headset.
        
3. “Kind Regards”: If you were to die today, I would hope it was of something quick and painless – such is my respect for you and your contribution to this organization.
    
4. “Best Regards”: If I disliked you any less, I would actually like you.
    
5. “Thanks”: You did something good for me – eg, gave me a new necktie, lent me your stapler, took the credit for a particularly noxious fart I produced.
    
6. “Many Thanks“: You did something wonderful for me worthy of Elizabethan ingratiation – eg, gave me a $250,000 raise, lent me your spouse, took credit for a particularly heinous crime I committed.
    
7. “Sincerely”: Most of my emails are pure lies. But this one? This one’s for realsies.
    
8. “Thanks in advance”: If you don’t do whatever it is I told you to do in the foregoing email, I will come to your home or place of business and bludgeon you vigorously with a pineapple.
    
   

   Thanks in advance...

9. “Love”: Might be time to have that chat with HR about moving to a different office.