A cover letter I will send if all else fails

Service Manager – Reproduction Farm (Des Moines, Iowa)
http://jobview.monster.com/Service-Manager-Wean-Finish-Farm-Management-Job-Des-Moines-IA-117112437.aspx

Dear Tami Nichols,

Edgar Allen Poe once famously wrote: “Were I called on to define, very briefly, the term ‘Art’, I should call it ‘the reproduction of what the senses perceive in Nature through the veil of the soul.” Similarly, if I were called on to define Horse Husbandry, I should call it ‘the reproduction of horses through the veil of a plastic pipette held by someone who flunked out of community college.’

My name is Daniel, and it is with indescribable and inexplicable gusto that I wish to submit my application for the role of Service Manager at Reproduction Farm.

“Wean, Finish, Sow, Farm Management, Vaccinating, Animal Husbandry.” Not only is that a list of the required skills for this role – it’s a verbatim quote from that recurring nightmare I keep having where I’m a dog. Truly, we are on the same wavelength.

This job and I are a perfect match. You need someone with experience as a manager in the sow and swine industry? I once ate some pancetta. You need someone who’s extremely detail oriented? I’m extremity detail oriental. You’re looking for someone who’s “very hands-on with the wean to finish process”? I think I need to lie down for a minute.

Let’s not fight fate, Tami: this was meant to be.

I must admit that I am also enticed by the array of benefits on offer at Reproduction Farm. Indeed, I can hardly begin to imagine all the pizza restaurants I will visit in my Company Vehicle, all the pizzas I will order with my Company Phone, and all the pizzas I will pay for using my Company Credit Card. I like pizza, I guess that’s what I’m trying to say here.

Tami, please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions regarding my application. Unless you want to ask about that thing. You know, that thing three-quarters of the way down the first page of my resume in block capitals. Don’t ask about that.

May the animals never rise up against us with their sharp little hooves,

Daniel

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3 responses to “A cover letter I will send if all else fails”

  1. Selikowitz Gillian says :

    It is laugh -out-loud – we love it!

    On Fri, Dec 14, 2012 at 2:06 PM, 17 Hours Behind wrote:

    > ** > dansel88 posted: “Service Manager – Reproduction Farm (Des Moines, > Iowa) > http://jobview.monster.com/Service-Manager-Wean-Finish-Farm-Management-Job-Des-Moines-IA-117112437.aspxDear Tami Nichols, Edgar Allen Poe once famously wrote: “Were I called on > to define, very”

  2. Jake says :

    Are you actually Australian? I lived there for 4 years and never encountered anyone .01% as humorous as you (I came across your blog bc was googling a childhood friend named Daniel Selikowitz who now resides in a Canadian ashram).

    • Daniel says :

      Thanks Jake; yep, I’m 100% Australian (although US-based now, so maybe that has rubbed off…) Sadly, however, it sounds like I’m much less spiritually enlightened than my Canadian namesake.

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