Jobs of Last Resort [Part 1]: Cover letters I will send if everything else falls through

Water & Wastewater Operator (Casa Grande, Arizona) http://jobview.monster.com/Water-Wastewater-Operator-Job-Casa-Grande-AZ-115722670.aspx

To whom it may concern,

Water: what it is it good for? Absolutely everything.

For as long as I can remember, I have been passionate about water. Like any patriotic American, I enjoy drinking water – whether still, sparkling or tap. I am an avid swimmer, and I bathe with considerable frequency. At times, I have been known to be as much as 65% water. I believe that all of these things qualify me for a job as a Water & Wastewater Operator in Casa Grande, AZ – the cultural and olfactory capital of the American South-South-East.

Ever since I was a child, I have longed to independently operate, maintain, repair and inspect water and wastewater treatment systems at an industrial wastewater treatment reuse facility. “Mother!”, I used to exclaim, “when will I be old enough to operate, maintain, repair and inspect the treatment systems?” “Not yet, Daniel,” she would say, reproachfully. At last, my time has come.

In the interests of full disclosure, let me say this: I do not have a minimum of 3 years experience in the methods of water and wastewater treatment. On the contrary, I have a maximum of zero years experience in said treatment. However, I believe that my youthful enthusiasm and aquatic intuition will more than compensate for this lack of ‘formal’ experience. Moreover, while I do not possess a state-certified driver’s licence at the present time, I am certified to perform animal marriages in both North and South Dakota.

As for my professional capabilities, let me assure you that I am quite able to perform the following tasks (per your advertisement):

  • Read gauges and meters
  • Gauge meters and readers
  • Meet gaugers and reeds
  • Lift and/or carry 50lbs (with the assistance of a forklift truck)

In summary, I believe I am the ideal candidate for this role – both from a professional and an unprofessional perspective. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours in moisture,

Daniel

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2 responses to “Jobs of Last Resort [Part 1]: Cover letters I will send if everything else falls through”

  1. Selikowitz Gillian says :

    Daniel, We are killing ourselves laughing at this latest 17 hours behind!!!

  2. Anonymous says :

    Very good.

    But…I believe as I am writing this message from a bathtub filled with waste, wastewater and water, I am certainly more dedicated to, and immeasurably more qualified for, said position.

    Regards,
    Daniel

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