An American Chef’s Recipe Book Part 2: The Empire Strikes Backfat

Finished digesting the recipes I posted in late-September 2011? Congratulations – you’re one of the lucky few! Why not celebrate by making some more easy-to-follow, impossible-to-digest recipes?

Please note that all of the following are actual foods (at least technically) – readily available in the stripmalls and drive-thrus of this great nation.

Sonic’s Supersonic Bacon Double Cheeseburger

Shoot three pigs and two cows. Cut off all the gristle, fat, connective tissue and other gross bits. Keep them. Sell all the good bits to Burger King.

Stir assorted meat bits in boiling cauldron with potatoes, mead, frying oil and granola bar wrappers until firmly smoodged. Coagulate into the shape of a biscuit. Slop haughtily between two pieces of bread so white it proves eugenics. Add synthetic lettuce, mashed tomato and tenderized cheese blintzes.

Serve with enough fries to cover 53% of New Mexico.

Looks innocuous – like an axe murderer wearing a Snuggie.

 Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Cheese Dressing 

Aussie Fries: Combine 10 parts Aussie with two parts Fries. Mingle until intimate. Dunk in deep-fryolator and cover with canola oil, vegetable oil or Midnight Oil. Wait patiently. 

Cheese: Assemble 250 pounds of reduced fat American cheese (Craigslist is probably your best bet; otherwise just make it by combining cheese curds with lashings of whitening toothpaste and high-dextrose mayonnaise). Use a pipette and a plastic funnel to add the reduced fat back in, only this time even more powerful and hell-bent on revenge. 

Ranch Cheese Dressing: Combine 10 parts cheese (as above) with three parts rancher. Roll into an enormous ball and drop down a flight of stairs. Smear everything together. Add massive chunks of bacon, pork rinds, steak, aluminium foil and that coffee table you’ve been trying to sell for the last few weeks. 

Serve with extreme prejudice. 

This photograph has been digitally resized to fit your screen. Lumps of meat and cheese may be closer than they appear.

Blimpie Special Vegetarian Sandwich

This one is just like grandma used to make it – if grandma was an enormous sub-sandwich called “Blimpie” with the power of speech who charged you $4.99 everytime you ate at her house.

Heart-Healthy Vegetable Medley: Head to your local farmer’s market and leisurely browse the vegetable stalls. Purchase 2 beets, 3.5 caulifowers, 16 heads of broccoli, 24 feet of broccoli, 20 feet of copper wire, 8 red cabbages, 2 brown cabbages, 3 round baggages, 7 ham sammiches, 1 square meter of horseradish, 1 horse and 1 radish. Skip gaily back to your abode.

Special Delicious-Nutritious Blimpie Saucey-Paste: Take all of the abovementioned vegetables and lay them on an altar. Supplicate yourself and pray to Satan to create a substance that embodies pure evil and represents the diametrical antithesis of every vegetable you have purchased. Sleep soundly. Awaken to find that Satan has taken the vegetables and bestowed upon you a vile sludge with negative health qualities inversely proportionate to those of the vegetables.

Smear sludge liberally on a baguette so white it could be mistaken for Julian Assange.

Serve with a tennis racquet.

America’s first sandwich with its own insurance disclaimer (it’s written in tiny letters on the middle slice of provolone cheese).


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