Corporate email opening lines: A field guide

  1. “I hope this email finds you well”:The last time we spoke, you looked a little pale. OK, let’s be honest – yours was a deathly pallour, the kind that belongs to someone who’s either just seen or is about to become a ghost. And that growth on your neck! I mean, I’ve read about goitres in medical textbooks and short stories and the like, but I never imagined they’d be so…well…expansive. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you should probably be splitting your time 50-50 between your family and your estate planning attorney.

    "I hope this email finds you well."

  2. “My name is Joseph Smith, and…”: We’ve never met before, but I’m still going to ask you to spend the next four days slaving over a hot Lenovo to advance my interests. This is the written equivalent of shaking a stranger’s hand, then giving them a shovel and asking them to dig their own grave. Sure, it’s an imposition – but at least they can put a name to the face(less).
     
  3. “Thanks for your email”: I hate you. I have utter contempt for the quality of your professional contributions, your tie collection is objectionable, and I couldn’t care less whether this email finds you well, unwell or stuck down a well. However, you did send me an email –  and for that, you have my eternal gratitude.
     
  4. “Please find attached…”: “…something that an imbecile such as yourself would never have found, had I not explicitly pointed it out for you just then. See, there it is – look up, no not that far up, below the top of your monitor but above the words I just wrote. No, to the left of – ah! There it is!”
     
  5. “Hope everyone had a great weekend!”: Today is Monday.
     

    "Hope everyone had a great weekend!"

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2 responses to “Corporate email opening lines: A field guide”

  1. danzafterfive@gmail.com says :

    So funny because I actually use every single one of these lines (sometimes in the same email!) xx

  2. Elan says :

    Lol. Other common culprits are: “a brief update in this matter” or “a short note” – which are usual portends to a discursive exploration of issues.

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