Corporate email sign-offs: A field guide
- “Cheers”:Trust me – I’m a lot of fun. If I was a mushroom, I’d be a fun-guy – ha! Get it, it’s a pun? My dentist told it to me while I was having elective root canal. Yep, that’s just me: formal, but fun – like Richard Branson, or Richard Gere, or Richard Dawkins, or a German person wearing a party hat. In fact, if I wasn’t at my desk right now kicking figurative ass and taking metaphorical names, I’d be brewing my own beer in Barbados while gargling chocolate-coated penguin roe from a hollowed-out monkey skull. Yeah, I’m fun. See you over by the water cooler!
- “Regards”: I couldn’t care less whether you live to 100 or die today. If it was your birthday, I’d give you mismatching socks that didn’t fit and then take them back and douse you with gravy. I hope you inhale your bluetooth headset.
- “Kind Regards”: If you were to die today, I would hope it was of something quick and painless – such is my respect for you and your contribution to this organization.
- “Best Regards”: If I disliked you any less, I would actually like you.
- “Thanks”: You did something good for me – eg, gave me a new necktie, lent me your stapler, took the credit for a particularly noxious fart I produced.
- “Many Thanks“: You did something wonderful for me worthy of Elizabethan ingratiation – eg, gave me a $250,000 raise, lent me your spouse, took credit for a particularly heinous crime I committed.
- “Sincerely”: Most of my emails are pure lies. But this one? This one’s for realsies.
- “Thanks in advance”: If you don’t do whatever it is I told you to do in the foregoing email, I will come to your home or place of business and bludgeon you vigorously with a pineapple.
- “Love”: Might be time to have that chat with HR about moving to a different office.