More poignant back-stories behind seemingly banal ‘office worker’ stock photos

“Hot damn – we finally killed that enormous roach in the Nespresso machine!”

“Okie dokes, probably time to refill my script for Risperidone.”

“Dammit, now I have a herniated disc in my lower back from posing for stock photos!”

“So if you’ll just sign here and initial here, I can place an order for some long-sleeved shirts.”

“Stop looking at the photographer and focus on these naked photos of my family,” said John with an exasperated sigh. His life had gone steadily downhill since his final year of high school, when he was voted “Most Likely to Resemble Malcolm Turnbull When Wearing a Gray Suit.”

Fun Fact: This pose has never arisen in the history of mankind outside of a stock photo shoot.

This was the first and last time Acme Inc. tried a ‘Wear-Something-Green-to-Work-Day’.

“Welcome to bustling Brisbane – Australia’s most forward-looking economic powerhouse.”

“…and that’s why all the dead unicorns in Kentucky will rise from their graves during the eighth moon of the Zodiac and exact a terrible vengeance. Any questions?”

“Wow, now that I look closely it kind of does look like the donkey is having the most fun.”

Back-stories behind the ‘office worker’ stock photos I sometimes insert into presentations for visual interest

As he waited patiently for his turn, Roger couldn’t help wondering whether his firm had misunderstood the term ‘golden handshake’.

“In the interests of efficient space utilization, could at least one of you please move to my right?”

“So the brown spot – chocolate, gravy or blood?”

“Drink! Drink! Your borscht smoothies are getting cold!”

“Holy shit – our periods really did sync up!”

“I LOVE YOU – I’M JUST NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU!”

“I now pronounce you man and Executive Assistant.”

“If I sit up straight and remain completely still, no one will notice both of my monitors are switched off.”

Isn’t it adorable when little people find gainful employment?

As he lifted Mary off the ground, Jake realised the whey protein supplements had finally started paying off.

“Hey, look over here guys – a computer that wasn’t built before 1986!”

More accidentally amusing photos I found while continuing to flick through ads for honeymoon destinations

“Why, god, why? She was so young! And she had such high muscle tone!”

“Open wide, here comes Air Salmonella!”

Him: “See how funny it is when I press hard on your bladder?” Her: “That’s the most hilarious thing since Da Ali G Movie – please do it again!”

Isn’t it adorable when clampeople find love?

“So that’s us in a nutshell.”

The newlyweds celebrated their honeymoon by giving a piggyback to some friendly strangers.

“Jason and I were on a budget, so we decided to honeymoon in front of a green screen.”

“Well if I’m sitting here, and you’re sitting on my lap, who keeps throwing all these fucking rose petals at us?”

Basking in the glow of the moment, John and Martha suddenly had the strange feeling of being watched from inside the house. They heard the sinister click of a camera lens, and readied themselves for what was about to happen.

Accidentally amusing photos I found while flicking through advertisements for honeymoon destinations

“Look, up there, in the sky – it’s two whiny kids, an old dog and menopause!”

“Aargh, my inguinal hernia!”

“Wait! Come back! I didn’t mean to call your father a foul-smelling ocelot!”

David gripped the hand of his child bride and looked out at the ominous sky. Somewhere beyond the horizon, he could feel the rapture approaching.

“Hello, I am Grincho, your legless waiter. Please give me tips for buy new legs.”

“I don’t care how much you made from the Lizzy McGuire movies – I’m farting in this hottub.”

Her: “I love you Keanu Reeves lookalike.” Him: “I love you too, lady who wears straw hats despite not being in her mid-50s.”

As they strolled along the idyllic sands of Honeymoon Bay, Michael wondered how he was going to get back to their inner-city hotel without any shoes.

It’s like I died, went back to the 80s, married a washed-up pornstar with a penchant for Laura Ashley two-pieces, bought a heart-shaped jacuzzi and then died again.

More unintentionally amusing photographs I discovered while continuing to browse wedding photographers’ portfolios

Her: “I didn’t mean it when I said you looked like an overfed narwhal in your wedding suit.” Him (sobbing): “I just need some space!”

“So on Sunday, I photograph your wedding. On Monday, I photograph your honeymoon. And on Tuesday, I kill you while you sleep. The full package costs $2400.”

Isn’t it adorable when little people find love?

“Just blur him out, I’m thinking of getting a new one anyway.”

Him (laughing maniacally): “And so I says to him, ‘My jacket is several sizes too small!’” Her (also laughing maniacally): “That’s the sense of humor I fell in love with, darling!”

“She’s lost control of the dress – run for your lives!”

“Ta-da! I give you the world’s oldest wedding photographer.”

This couple is standing next to each other. Photo not to scale.

“Waiter, I’ll have another douchebag please.”

“Um, why are you showing me that picture of your uncle desexing a horse?”

Nothing says “eternal wedded bliss” like sitting on a dead tree stump surrounded by fallen leaves while your husband melds with the background.

Unintentionally amusing photos I came across while browsing wedding photographers’ portfolios

“Hello. I am about to vigorously vomit all over your pants leg.”

Possibly the world’s first Lake Placid-themed wedding shoot. Possibly.

“Stop watching me while I pee – it’s really off-putting.”

Finally – a nice one of both of us.

Surely every woman has dreamt of being ravaged by a swamp monster on her wedding day.

“Hang on a sec babes, I’m just texting me other wife to tell her I’ll be late.”

“Holy shit, they’re at the window – go! go! go!”

“I want the photos to reflect my love for John, and my passion for indoor plumbing.”

“God I hope she sleeps through that fart.”

Chicago Signspotting – Spring Edition

I think I just honey-bucketed a little in my mouth.

Surely a pretty serious conflict of interest for the big guy…

So an Experienced Massachusetts Casino Developer capable of generating $900 billion in annual revenue from what may be the world’s largest building is $20,000 short on their application fee? Sign me up!

Granted, Lara Bingle was too much, but it feels like Tourism Australia could be putting a bit more effort into their Midwest campaign…

Classic feline faux pas if the cat turns out to be male. Also, who would own up to the bumbling stupidity of misplacing a heavily pregnant cat?

“Watch your step! Don’t park your car! No change for you!” Thanks for the lecture Florist Grump.

The optimal way to fight childhood obesity one child at a time is to fight obese children one at a time. That aside, I like the idea of replacing fruit or vegetables – sounds healthy, not to mention grammatically improbable.

Is that a promise or a threat?

Mexico Signspotting – Part 2 (with bonus Chicago liftout)

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s turn to Lot #364,598 – yet another toy frog wearing a sombrero that says “Tequila!” Do I have 2 pesos?

What could be more relaxing than having your feet gnawed at by 500 bug-eyed guppies?

Fast-Acting Mass Relax: Makes everyone within a 2km radius loose and floppy within 30 minutes.

Finally, I can stock up on photo items and cream turtle in the same place.

Innocent spelling error, or revolting local delicacy? Guess there’s only one way to find out…

I know that’s supposed to be adorable, but it’s actually terrifying.

So, how exactly am I supposed to adjust my driving for this? Turn left with care and don’t mention the war?

Mexico Signspotting – Part 1

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Chicago Signspotting Part 4 (now with extra Boston!)

Sadly, if you are interested in this offer, you (a) do not qualify for health insurance, (b) do not own a telephone and (c) cannot read the sign.

Ah, the mighty City Cat Doctor – who spayed and neutered every cat, dog and fuzzy-looking infant in Chicago from 1854-1857.

Five wrongs slathered in maple syrup do not make a right. They make a huge, syrupy wrong.

“Siri, where can I find the greasiest buffalo wings in the Greater Chicagoland Area?”

Coming soon? Might not be soon enough for your target customers…

Easy in, easy out – it’s Pu Pu!